Great One Liners

[918v]

One of my clients offered a sample of his stool as proof that he was not the driver of a stolen car.

I just don't know anymore.

[GLOCKENNBOOMER]

"these aren't my pants." he said while wearing them, when a bag of weed was discovered.

Officer: How much have you had to drink tonight?
Pulled over driver: Just a couple of beers.

[blueline541]

I was on a DUI stop and the guy told me he was too drunk to perform the field sobriety tests. It looked great on my affidavit.

I stopped a guy for speeding once and he wouldn't roll down his window to give me his license. I asked why and he stated, "You have a gun you might shoot me." I asked him if I needed to shoot him. He said, "no", so I told him I wouldn't.

This one stopped me in my tracks. I pulled a lady over for speeding and she stopped in the parking lot of a pharmacy. She immediately got out and walked to the passenger side of her car and opened the door. I asked if there was any reason she was going 16 mph over the limit. She pointed to her daughter and said, "This is my twelve year old daughter Suzie and she just started her very first period and we're going inside to decide between pads or the small tampons." Little Suzie was mortified and I mumbled something about slowing down and walked to my car and left.

[Slotback]

I was on an assault/criminal mischief case the other night. It seems the boyfriend/girlfriend were fighting. The boyfriend wants to be rid of the girlfriend. Boyfriend is 5'6" 150. Girlfriend is 6'00 and 300 lbs. He can't get rid of her. Colleague informs young man that he put his p***er where he shouldn't and now he has a fatal attraction.

[Anvil]

Violater was clocked 60 in a 40 and was pulled over.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Violator: Yessir
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Violator: I was doin 80 but saw you so I slowed down to 60 out of respect.


Violator pulls up to a intersection that for him is right turn only, when traffic is clear he makes an illegal left turn. Instantly the officer pulls him over.

Officer: Sir, is there any good reason you made an illegal left turn?
Violator: Ma'am, I would have NEVER broken the law if I knew I was gonna get caught!

In both, I was the violator.

[ept000]

A few years back I was driving back into California from Nevada and had to go through a border check point. When i got up to the little shack the guy asks me if I carrying any fruits, vegetables or firearms. So I said, "Why, what do you need?".
















Don't ever do that. Trust me.

[RustyFN]

When we lived in California and the speed limit was 55 my wife came home mad because she got a ticket for going 75. I asked her how fast she was going and she said 85 but by the time he caught up to her she was only going 65. What can you do but just shake your head.

Another time she was driving in a residential area and saw an officer parked on a side street with a radar gun. She saw him set the gun down so she pulled over and stopped before she even got to where he was. He had to drive down the street and turn around so he could pull up behind her. LMAO when she told me this one.

Rusty

[creekwalker]

Pulled subject over for speeding some year’s ago. He proceeded to play the name dropping game with me, naming several ranking and line officer’s he was acquainted with or knew. I continued writing the citation while nodding my head at each name mentioned, indicating I knew them.

When I’d finished writing the citation I looked at him and asked him “Do you know an Officer CW (used my name of course)”. He paused and said no he didn’t know who that was and who was he?
I replied “That would be me sir, here’s your citation for speeding” and presented it to him for his signature. I ad been waiting for a long time to pull than one and my speeder was so embarrassed he never said a word and paid the citation prior to the court date.

CW

[918v]

Last night dude said, "You hate me 918v, don't you."

[Anvil]

LOL CW!


I've used that one a few times myself.

me writing ticket....
perp: do you know Lieutenant Y...
me: no
Perp: do you know Ofc. X
me: no
Perp: do you know Sgt. Z?
me: no
me: The only acquaintance that could help you get out of this ticket is Ofc. Warren.
Perp: Who's that?
me: Me.

[918v]

I've issued a number of parking tickets from 1996 to 1998.

I once wrote this guy for a plethora of violations... took up four tickets... totaled in excess of $300. I placed them behind his wiper in a flower pattern.

Good thing they gave me a gun. I felt I might have needed to use it that day.

[Anvil]

I placed them behind his wiper in a flower pattern.

Good thing they gave me a gun. I felt I might have needed to use it that day.

That's friggin hillarious!


Once I was issuing tickets at a notoroius intersection for 4 way stop violations and we witnessed a lady not come to a complete stop. We pulled her over and issued her a ticket. Of course she got mad and demanded our names and complained to my lieutenant and major and inspector.

I got called back to the precinct and my lieutenant told me to try to be nicer when I give tickets. I asked, "Should I give out candy too? Or how about balloons with each ticket? How'd that be?"

Being a 4 month rookie I'd never gotten away with that except that I was writing 120 tickets a month then.

[creekwalker]

Two of our officer's were out writing tickets together one day. They were having a contest between themselves to see who could write the most tickets and let their humour and mouths get a little out of hand. They paid for their wit the following day after one of the person's cited complained about officer's having a ticket writing contest to win a toaster. Yes, one of the idiot's said...'One more ticket and I win a toaster" to the lady he was issuing a speeding citation to!!! Needless to say no one wanted to work around either one of the "winner's afterward!

CW

[Steve Koski]

You guys are friggin' insane.

That is all.

[MONTEGOD7SS]

Meow.

[blueline541]

I've been on stops with other cops when the meow thing was done. The really fun part is trying not to smile.

[CZ93X62]

OK--here goes.

Late 1970's, along eastbound I-10 between Palm Springs and Indio, winter night about 2230 hours. CHP traffic officer buddy of mine shuts down a Porsche doing 110+, and upon contact finds the driver to be one (1) each LAPD captain, complete with blonde passenger seat-cover about half his age. Out comes the shield/ID wallet, the driver flips it open, and says "How far will this go around here?"

CHP officer takes possession of the wallet--looks at it a moment--then THROWS IT INTO THE OPEN DESERT, into the tamarisk trees bordering the Southern Pacific railroad tracks that parallel the freeway--and says, "LOOKS LIKE ABOUT 35 YARDS OR SO TO ME!" CHP officer then walks back to his unit and goes 10-8.

For real.

[918v]

Good. Captain Prick deserved it.

[Anvil]

CZ93, that's ... WOW! I'd never get away with something like that! But it is HILLARIOUS!

CW, that toaster bit is a quick way to get on the evening news and have the police director tread water with reporters. Dangerous games. I've done some things even more stupid but I'd rather tell you in person some time than spill it over the internet.

[Silverback]

Meow.

Do I look like a cat to you? meow take the ticket.....